Firstly, I joined a dating website, out of boredom at work I registered for a free account, curious to see what type of person haunts the halls of online dating malarkey. I figured, if I'm looking at this website then someone with a similar outlook to me might be looking at it too.
Furthermore, I've never quite understood the whole tawdry reputation afforded to any organised means of meeting other people. Because, of course, the whole process of getting drunk, going to a bar and pulling one of an assortment of, say, 50 strangers, is far more noble and romantic, just like how Shakespeare wrote it.
But this leads me neatly onto my key point, which is to do with the dumbest concept in the dating world, and that is: the 'spark'.
This 'spark' is bothering me at the moment because I went on a date last night, it was somewhat hastily arranged, we'd exchanged messages online, we didn't seem to offend one another, besides it's always best to meet up and banter in person to really understand if you get along. So, we did that, after a bit of a wait in the cold she arrived, we walked to a bar, we had a drink, we had a chat.
Like many first dates (arranged by friends or online) it was a collection of awkward moments, chatty epochs, brief summaries of complex aspects of your life, efforts to advertise your own personally preferred qualities and mask the less reputable ones, it was, by my reckoning, an ok first date. Nothing special, but it was pleasant.
However, I sent a message to her the following day suggesting a possible event for a second date, and in return received a message that said thus:
"Thanks Owain. It was really nice to meet you too. I like your job and your brilliant free tickets and plus ones. :) I'm afraid though that I didn't feel the spark between us last night, and I hope that's ok..."
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm Captain Charming and no woman can resist my advances, I know I'm a socially awkward, waffling, rambly fool with a slightly wayward and confused sense of humour, but I'm sure I have some good qualities too... I mean, people have said nice things about me, some of them even let me kiss them and hold their hand for a few months. I, of course, get that maybe she just used the catch all concept of 'sparks' as an excuse for some other reasoning as to why she might not want to meet me again, but, what would that be? Am I a deeply repellent individual? Surely, regardless of whether 'sparks' was the exact concept what she is, in some way or another, referring to must broadly be described as 'chemistry', and, as far as I can fathom, 'chemistry' and 'sparks' are very close relatives, it's about that initial catalyst that would suggest two people get along.
Yes, I admit, maybe we didn't get along, but I don't think I'd be blinkered enough to not notice, I felt foolishly optimistic on my way home from the date, I didn't think it had been a roaring success but that's because it was a first date, they're awkward and strange for the most part. It's two people finding their way around one another, trying to figure each other out, maybe you won't hit it out of the park on that first date, but unless you utterly despise one another should you discount a second date because there weren't any 'sparks'? Is life really too short to not give someone a second chance?
Maybe you've felt the 'spark', I've certainly felt the 'spark' in the past, but for the most part, as best I can remember, when I felt that first 'spark' I was drunk. Besides it's probably bad form to arrive to a first date already pissed. Though maybe that is the solution? Arrange a date, both get absolutely rat arsed beforehand, then you meet in some bar somewhere, it's closer to how it's 'supposed' to happen then.
I'm not saying this girl was definitely, undoubtedly going to be the love of my life (that's another blog topic right there) but I think there was enough between to us to at the very least warrant a second date, in fact, I think all arranged dates should come with an in-built second date, the first date, if anything, is the prologue and the second date is actually Chapter One. You've got the ground rules and geography and family history established, then it's time to really get into the meat and potatoes of it and see if you have that 'spark'.
A date is different to meeting someone by chance, this is something that I don't quite think people understand, and I also think it's where this bizarre grotty image of 'dating sites' comes from. For the most part, for some insane reason, in much the same way as millions of people think an invisible bearded man built the Earth in a Gregorian calendar week, people seem to view love as something that happens by magic, by chance and will bind two people together in a fairytale fantasy, well, that's all bullshit to be honest, and this isn't some mean, jaded cynical side, I genuinely think I'm a pretty romantically minded optimistic fool (though I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriends will say otherwise), and though I've been in love I've never thought "there's only one for me", because I've been in love more than once and in different ways. You don't discredit an ex you said you loved because you're not together anymore, or you love somebody new, that's not how it works, though opinions can change over time those moments when you were in 'love' were, whether you now regret it or not, moments when you were in 'love' and perspective won't change that. I don't think because my parents are now divorced and in new relationships that they wish they'd never met, and not just because of the lovely children they had as a result of 'love' and 'fate' and all that nonsense.
Anyway, I'm veering off topic, and would gladly blather on trying to disect every aspect of people's perceptions of romance, love, happiness, sadness and the like for pages and pages, but I don't think now is the time or the place.
In summary, people have a warped perspective of what meeting someone and 'falling' for them is supposed to be like, the world is changing, it is more intricately connected than ever before and the opportunities to meet a diverse range of people are more accessible than they have ever been, why not take advantage of this if you are in a position to meet new people. I did not join a dating website to 'meet the love of my life', I joined it to 'meet new people', which, I hasten to add, is something I also manage to do in my non-internet based life. Maybe other people don't see things that way with the dating world, which is naive on their part, additionally I find anyone who starts making specific demands in the 'What I'm looking for...' section to be awfully suspect, but, well, waffling again...
Maybe this is why people don't want a second date, they don't think I'll ever shut up!
My good friend, the esteemed Ellen Waddell, has written a response to this piece, you can read it here: CLICKY
6 comments:
I've had many of those post date knock back texts. They are usually quite dramatically composed! Makes you feel pretty annoyed. Many have come after already agreeing on a second date during the first. They do this as its embarrassing to tell someone you don't want to see them again after you only just met. I've had to tell a few girls I didn't want to see them again, and if you carry on with the internet dating, you'll have to too! It's a horrible business, so I don't do it anymore.
There is so much wrong with this column, but if I had to guess why you didn't get a second date, it would be because:
1. You're not clear about what you want, and that comes across in dating. You say you are a romantic, but not even your exes would agree with that. Theoretically, a romantic believes in the "magic" of love. You call it bullshit, and say it's basically a game of chance. Are you a romantic, or is love nothing more than a back alley game of dice?
2. You seem to have set your standards unfortunately low. I don't understand why this particular date would evoke a rant about the "spark," when you admit it was, “Nothing special, but it was pleasant." Pleasant? That's how I describe lunch with someone I hate who managed to not be a dick for an hour.
3. You didn't identify a single reason why you want love, a successful date, companionship, a friend with benefits, or a wife. What you did, however, was refer to the spark as dumb and people who believe in it as naive. Um, excuse me, but your mean, jaded cynical side is showing.
4. Let's revisit setting low standards. You were optimistic about a date that wasn’t a roaring success because it was a "first date." You actually ask, "but unless you utterly despise one another should you discount a second date because there weren't any 'sparks'? Is life really too short to not give someone a second chance?" There's an entire universe between the spark and not utterly despising someone, and unless one can be more clear on where they are on that spectrum, I think it makes more sense for you to explain why someone else should be giving out second dates because you didn't utterly despise one another. In addition to being naive, I think it's rather selfish and arrogant. I'm not saying you are those things. I'm saying the reaction to rejection is.
Isn't that what all of this is really about? Rejection? Blame it on sparks or cloud gods or whatever, but the bottom line is that you felt hopeful about the prospects of meeting this woman. You thought things went well, then you got shot down out of nowhere. That sucks, and it hurts. You are questioning yourself throughout the column. If "sparks" was her polite way of saying no thanks, then what was the real reason? "Am I a deeply repellant individual?" No, that can't be it. "I mean, people have said nice things about me, some of them even let me kiss them and hold their hand for a few months."
Rejection and dating go hand in hand. It's not easy to put yourself out there on display to be judged and picked apart by a stranger, especially when you see no reason to pick her apart, and you'd actually be interested in seeing her again.
Good Luck!
Ed
Hey Ed,
Thanks for the really thorough comment, really appreciate that!
I think, with regards to your first point, about me not being clear what I want, that's something that shouldn't exactly be slapped down on the table in the world of a first date, I mean, it's not a job interview, right? Or maybe it is, I am naive to this dating world, but the contrivances of dating in such an organised fashion shouldn't turn meeting someone into a 'What's your five year plan?' type interrogation. I did get certain impressions from the date referred to in the piece that perhaps she was looking for someone to settle down with, & I don't think I'm the kind of chap one can meet & go "He's a stable, reliable, rock that I can build a foundation upon." But, that's a first impression, & that's the problem with the contrived date & first impressions, if you meet someone by chance then it's more likely your first impression, whilst containing some truth, will change. For example, my housemate has recently got engaged, on his first date with his fiancé she thought he was gay, but saw him again anyway & fortunately discovered that he wasn't that gay & now they're getting married.
I do think love is nothing more than a back alley game of dice but I also believe in the magic of love & I don't think that's a contradiction, I think you can be a romantic & still realise that the 'one for me' concept of love is a bit flimsy, my good friend Ellen goes into the science of attraction in her blog (linked above) & more recently the comedian Richard Herring has been performing a brilliant show called What Is Love Anyway? where he looks at the nature of love that I feel would go on a 'recommended reading' companion list to this blog. You may find yourself with someone you love, but that's not to say they are the only person you will or would ever love, it's wonderful & magical when you fall in love with someone, but I think there's a lot of compromise & patience & tolerance that has to come with that, qualities I've definitely lacked in the past! I'm not sure whether my exes would consider me a romantic or not, I think 'bastard' is probably the closest I'd get.
My major issue with first dates, specifically first dates arranged through some sort of online dating doodah, is that they're incredibly contrived, even more so than a date that's been arranged my friends, & they're in an entirely different universe to a follow-up date from meeting someone in a bar/club/orgy, what have you. So, with that in mind, I think awkwardness should be more readily forgiven on that first meeting, & an ability to talk to one another without burning hatred should be enough to at least warrant a second meeting, if one of the people involved is able to suggest something potentially interesting to do to at least make up for the fact that date #2 might be as so-so as date #1, bearing in mind that a lot of the time these first dates wind up being 'a drink'.
(Continued...)
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Why should I identify a single reason why I want love? I would like many of those things you list, but I don't think that's the kind of baggage that should be brought onto a first date, there's so much more to a person that probably should be understood before I start assigning a role to them, or even a potential role. They're not auditioning for a part, hopefully neither am I, but, like I mentioned above, perhaps this is where my naiveté comes into it, maybe these dates aren't actually 'dates' but they're Potential Husband MOTs? In which case how utterly unromantic of them!
Additionally, I'm jaded & cynical but I'm definitely not mean, & I don't think they're necessarily negative qualities. I'd guess I'd boil it down to having an element of 'realism' rather than cynicism, but at the same time, I don't think that's something I bring with me on a date, I'm self-deprecating & have an odd sense of humour, but I think - & here's the rub - that if you know me you realise it's not part of some mean, curmudgeonly personality but all done with good humour. I, & I'm sure this'll make a lot of people I know laugh, think I'm a pretty laidback & optimistic person, but I'm an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but hope for the best, which is far better than being a pessimistic optimist or just being a plain old vanilla optimist or pessimist.
If I went on a date with someone & it went ok, I wasn't sure if there was anything there, but they then asked me on another date, I would go. Because I don't think I can judge someone, or even my feelings about someone, on a first impression. I've met people in my life who I have felt one way about only to change my mind over time, whether that's the second meeting or further down the line. There are, to explore one avenue, some people who find it difficult to 'come out of their shell', & perhaps the worries of meeting someone, the events of the day, even something like the volume of the music in a bar, could completely effect their behaviour on that first date. So, unless they say or do something that makes it absolutely clear that we'd never get on - & that'd have to be something pretty extreme like show me their swastika tattoo - then I'd more than likely go on another date with them.
Waffled a fair bit there, I think there's so much about meeting people in these peculiar controlled circumstances that’s quite surreal & alien to me, I'm not the world's greatest conversationalist either which doesn't help.
Thanks again for your comment Ed, enjoyed reading it!
Owain
Nice Love Ideas and Relationship
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Thanks for the comment Sushil!
Oh, how I wish love were those things, I think it is to some extent, but, at the same time it is also impatient, cruel, blunt, selfish, irritable, shrewd, envious, arrogant, egotistical, malevolent, dishonest, endangering, cautious, pesimistic and like walking a tightrope over a canyon where the slightest breeze could send you hurtling into the ravine below.
But, that's all part of the fun.
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