You Get What You Give

I think one of the key things in life is give and take, being as nice to people as you would hope them to be in return. As the title of this waffle suggests you 'get what you give', you 'reap what you sow', and other such song lyrics.

I read a blog post recently about someone who received 'terrible' service and I couldn't help but think about how it's not always a one way street, sometimes the perceived poor service is entirely exacerbated by the person being served, or, in some extreme cases, actually created by someone who doesn't know how to relinquish control, someone so arrogantly self-assured that they think they have to be in charge, they know best, etc. etc.

I imagine an employee's joy in their work and their willingness to go that extra mile, to do better, to exceed expectations is not always entirely based upon how much they enjoy their job, but upon how much they respect their employer.

Sure, everyone resents their boss at times, it's part of the fun of being a boss, nobody wants to be told what to do and if it's your job to tell people what to do then people are probably not going to respect you all the time. But, there needs to be a line, you need to make people feel worthwhile and valued, and not by rewarding them with bonuses (though that's nice too) but by communicating with them on a person-to-person level and not treating them like an idiot (it all seems so obvious when you write it down).



It's like that scene in the film Phone Booth where the pimp is harassing Colin Farrell and Farrell tries to give him money to get rid of him, then he tries to give him his watch and then Keifer Sutherland shoots the pimp with his sniper rifle. Y'know, it's just like that. Except, in this case, Keifer Sutherland is a metaphor.

I've had plenty of awful retail and warehouse jobs, but my willingness to work harder, and my ability to enjoy what I was doing, no matter how menial, was based more upon how I felt about my employers than about my employment.

The situation was reflected when facing customers, if I ever had a disgruntled punter approach me I would never get angry with them or snippy, I'd be pleasant and courteous. You might think that's obvious, but I have had to step in and defuse a number of situations where staff members have matched a customer's grievances with their own frustrations, it doesn't help resolve matters when someone acts like that.

Obviously sometimes you get customers who just seem to be angry at you to compensate for some gaping insecurity in their own pathetic little life, and the correct procedure for dealing with spoilt brats is to just be even nicer, to make your voice pleasant to the point where it's just teetering on patronising (but never stepping over that line) and being as helpful to their every sad little whim as possible, to the point where they have to begrudgingly say 'Thank you' before storming off to complain to the barista at the coffee stand that their coffee is the wrong shade of brown.



If someone does something 'wrong' (because wrong does not always mean it's incorrect, sometimes it means it's just not to your tastes) you shouldn't treat them like they've inconvenienced your life terribly, that they're an idiot, you shouldn't whine like a toddler who wants that comic book that you've already got but this one has a different set of stickers on the front, no, you should just say something simple like; 'Thanks, but next time could you...'

Especially if the thing your whingeing about is something you only want them to change because you're a lazy, burbling, fuck nut. I guess at a certain level some bosses do like to become stubborn, porky children again, unable to do the most simple of tasks, preferring instead to delude themselves into thinking their time is more precious than anyone elses and assigning utterly demented jobs to their underlings that create twice as much work for all involved, including the aforementioned adult-baby-hybrid creature.

For example, I used to work for an animation company in Soho and one day my boss asked me to call his mobile phone company to change something in his account. That was all the information he gave me before sitting at his desk on the other side of the room and popping his headphones in. I called them and, as it was his mobile phone, I had to then pretend to be him, but every time they asked me a question like 'What is your home address?' or 'What type of contract are you on?' I had to sound like an absolute moron by saying "Hang on one second." putting the phone on hold, getting my boss' attention and asking him for the info before turning back and continuing the conversation.

Ultimately, it would have been so much easier for him to have done it himself, but he had ascended to that special level of bossiness where everything and everyone is beneath you including yourself I would imagine. It's a special level because you don't realise you act like this, and the sad thing about being stubbornly pleasant and courteous to these people (I firmly believe the same rules apply as serving an evil customer, but, trust me, I seethe on the inside) is that they are so deluded and esconced inside their bubble that they will never realise that they're being a blithering baby monster.



When people complain about bad service I always wonder about the other side of the story, sure, there are going to be times where someone hates their job and doesn't mask it, they can't hide their hatred for you, but that's not entirely because they're evil, it's still give and take, they're not being an indiscriminate shit (some are), they just can't be bothered with tolerating the incessant demands of people anymore, and I envy them, I really do, I wish I could throw off my courteous shackles sometimes and just hold a mirror up to the bastards of the world, but, I don't want to sink to their level. It reminds me that I'm better than them, which might sound arrogant, but it's true.

So, in fact, don't change your ways employers and customers of the world, keep being utter trumpets, it just serves to remind me of how great I am*. Thanks!

*In comparison to an arsehole, compared to regular, nice people I'm a bit of a tosser as well.

Taking A Dump

I had to end a relationship recently. I'm not very good at the whole dumping process because I always worry that the person is going to take it so personally, and it's never because that person is without merit, and it's never because the feelings I felt previously no longer really apply. I will still feel that that person is as smart, funny, interesting and attractive as I felt they were when we first met, but, for whatever reason a relationship wasn't working for me.

One of my friends recently had a relationship end as well, he was on the receiving end of the dumpage, and his current state of mind seems very similar to how I felt when a long term relationship came to a slow, trundling, painful end in 2007. Except in that instance, I was the one responsible for the end of things.

I've been wondering, since having to do the dumping, about the perceptions of the act, and whether it's worse to be the dumper or the dumpee. It does all depend on how you feel about the person, but I'm savvy enough to generally date people that I care about and so having to end a relationship with them isn't exactly my idea of fun.

For me, it's a rather awkward, difficult and painful process and I feel a lot of remorse and guilt about it afterwards. I almost feel like I shouldn't dump someone who still feels that the relationship is working, that I should plough on and try and make it work, but, what if it never works? Maybe they'll be happy, but how much time should I put into trying to fix things especially if the 'things' are a general feeling of it not being quite right?

Are there concrete and valid reasons to ever dump someone? Y'know, beyond; "You slept with my mum at my birthday party." or "You used my pet hamster as a football." Do you really need a concrete reason to end a relationship? I guess that depends on how long the relationship has gone on for, but, regardless, it's not going to feel like much of a reason to the dumpee.

I've been dumped a fair few times, the first one that sticks out in my memory was a girl who was a few years older than me, I had recently finished my A-Levels and she had recently finished University. One day she came round and ended things, I asked for a reason, she said "Gut instinct." Fair enough.

A week or two went by and we got back together, but, it didn't last much longer and this time I was the one ending things. When she asked for a reason I tried my best to explain myself and all the things I felt (which, unfortunately for the sake of this article, I've forgotten), but she told me my reasons were rubbish.

But, rubbish reasons or not, you can't force a relationship to continue.




More recently I found out that a girlfriend wanted to end things with me when she sent me a text intended for someone else by accident. Karmically this felt justified, because I had done a similar thing in the past. I was just a bit miffed to find out that they had felt unhappy in the relationship for 'a couple of months'. How long are you supposed to trudge along hoping something is going to miraculously improve? A sense of malaise will only autonomously produce more malaise.

I accepted that there was nothing that could be done, and that if that's how they felt, and had felt for a while, it probably wasn't worth the effort to try and repair the relationship. It would have been like putting a sticking plaster over a gaping axe wound, maybe, for a little while things would have been ok, but pretty soon your guts would fall out... metaphorically.

Selfishly, with some break-ups, I have worried about how I am being portrayed by the dumpee to their friends and acquaintances, sometimes these are people I have known as well, irrespective of the relationship. Knowing the 'full facts' I can't help but feel pangs of annoyance that they might be skewed in order to cast my ex in a better light, that she might have the opportunity to distort the story to only reflect her side of things and those she tells, being naturally supportive, will agree that I am a massive douchebag. Which is true, but still...

Obviously, this is fair, when a relationship ends you want your friends to be on your side regardless of whether you were the dumper or the dumpee. Though it is interesting to find out, after you break up with someone, how your friends have actually felt about you and your ex all along. I've had it revealed to me in the past that people haven't really liked some of my exes. I've also been told that some of my girlfriend's parents didn't like me and I'm sure plenty of friends of girlfriends haven't liked me either.

But, really, regardless of what others think, a relationship is about that connection between two people and to a large extent it shouldn't matter what others think about a couple unless it's something along the lines of: "I think I saw your girlfriend on Crimewatch yesterday."



"It's not you, it's me."


So, when someone wants to end a relationship of course you're going to take it very personally, because it's not about outside forces, it's about your opinion of one person. However, sometimes you realise you just don't want to be in a relationship with someone, it's a cliche to say 'We can still be friends!' but it's something I genuinely mean (and if I don't mean it, I won't say it), and in a few instances people I began seeing in one way I am now good friends with. So yeah, in your face When Harry Met Sally.

Of course, it's easier to be friends if the feelings behind the break-up are quite mutual, or, if the relationship was in the very, very early stages, y'know, where you're just dipping your toe in the water to see if it's hot or cold... that's not a euphemism for anything kinky.

For me, it's quite to difficult to know if I'm just being impetuous and fickle, or if I'm struggling to really get over things from the past. In talking to my recently dumped friend I don't think I've been particularly encouraging in my post-break-up advice, especially as I feel he's in a similar state of mind as I was when a relationship ended a while ago, and it took me a very long time to get to a point where I felt like I was moving on, and, to be honest, it's something I don't think I'll ever get over completely, and that's not a slight on anyone else I may meet after that, and it's not a bar that people have to meet or vault over, but, it's a feeling in the past, you can't erase your past and there's no reason why you should, as long as it isn't crippling you in your present.

I think that's something that people forget and fret over, they worry how they might compare to someone else, or they worry about what the person they are with might think about them, and other such neuroses, but, you have to try and leave those worries behind and enjoy the moment as much as you can.

Yet when someone breaks up with you all those worries come back up to the surface, and you analyse yourself, you think about all the things you must have done wrong, but, for the most part, you probably didn't do anything wrong.

Invisible Friends

Hello again,

More Milgrim self-promotion, hopefully should have some Giant Burger tracks to share with you very soon.

Over the long weekend I made some more noises, and am quite pleased with this song inparticular:

Invisible Friends

I hope you like it, it's about clinging onto the past.

Owain

Milgrim

Hello, A bit of self promotion today, in my spare time I sometimes make music, I do this in a band called Giant Burger, I used to do this in a band called BAANEEX, and I've always done this as myself in a 'solo project' called Milgrim. Recently I decided to 'up my game' as a solo artist and bought some brought inputs and a decent microphone, moving on from the one I got from Argos about 7 years ago. I had a bit of a staycation recently and managed to find the time to experiment with this new set up and made these songs: I hope you like them! Owain x

The Paradox of Modern Technology

I remember walking down the street as a youngster, a man was walking towards me from the opposite direction, as he got closer he suddenly beamed and said; "Hello!" Despite not knowing who this chap was I, being a polite young fellow, said "Hello" in response, but as the last remnants of that final 'o' whistled out of my maw this man had begun another sentence, one completely removed from the conversation, almost as if the man were hearing voices in his head...

It was around this time that I realised he had a hands free mobile phone doo-dah wrapped around his ear as if he were some extra from Star Trek and he wasn't bidding me a friendly 'Hello' on an early morning, instead he was answering a phone call and probably hadn't even noticed the dopey young adult shuffling up the hill towards him.

Since that nonversation (that's a conversation where neither person is actually talking to one another) the rise of hands free tele-communications has grown exponentially with more and more people preferring to do their chatter without clutching a small rectangle to their lobe, instead preferring to speak into tiny microphones secreted about their personage. But, to me, this blurs the line between whether someone is actually having a phone conversation or just talking to themself or, perhaps, talking to me.

The strangest part of making the apparatus to hold one's phone conversation smaller and smaller is that by contrast people's public telephone manner is getting louder and louder. Is it a direct result of not having to speak into such a specific object that makes people project their conversations more? Or is that the technology isn't quite up to scratch yet and people still need to bellow down the line to make sure the phone doesn't cut out that all important syllable when they're telling their mother they'd 'like to take her up the country'?

Personally I hate talking on the telephone, whether it's a mobile or a landline, a phone conversation, to me, generally should be a brief arrangment of facts or directions, guidance for where the 'real' conversation is going to take place. Yes, there are exceptions, long distance relationships for example, but these phone conversations have been equally frustrating by the twitchiness of my Skype connection. Anyway...

This weird phenomenom seems to be rippling out across all technology nowadays though; from clunky portable CD players, portable DVD players and big fat books we now have tiddly tiny ipod nanos, teeny weeny mobile video devices and wafer thin e-readers. Each device can deliver any kind of entertainment or information to you with absolute discretion, you can be sat on the bus reading a book about any sordid subject and nobody will be any the wiser because the cover-art won't give you away, the headphones will be just quiet enough or the thumbnail sized screen can be safely enclosed within the cup of your hands.

You should make sure though that if you are looking at such material on public transportation that you bare in mind that people can see over your shoulder. I was standing in the vestibule area on a train once and there was a chap sat in the seat right in front of me looking at pictures of a woman spreading her legs - and what was between them - as far as she could without doing herself an injury.

But what's even more baffling, to me, about all this is that these devices that we are trusting to keep our personal entertainment private are now linked up to all of our social media profiles and telling everyone who 'friends' and 'follows' us exactly what we're watching/hearing/reading on these little gizmos. It is just like having an invisible telephone but still yelling your conversation for all to hear, and inadvertantly respond to. Why do we want objects that make what we're doing more private but make what we're doing on them more public? I don't want to know what my friends are doing unless they feel these things are worth telling me about.

Technology is starting to take the fun out of having friends...
"I watched War Horse last night."
"Yes, I know, the internet told me."
"I thought it was..."
"...shit, yes, I know, you gave it 3 stars on IMDB, you read the Empire review afterwards and commented that Empire is 'Spielberg's bitch' and then listened to the entire soundtrack on Spotify before spending the rest of your evening ploughing your fields in Farmville."
"Oh."

Is there a moral to this ramble? Probably not. I'm just concerned that we're going to be living in a future where we all walk around looking as netural and normal as everyone else, except those people subscribed to our 'life feeds' will be exposed to a long list of the horrible embarassing, mundane, menial, depraved and stupid stuff we waste our lives experiencing. Anyway, I should stop ranting, I haven't checked Facebook in about ten minutes and I'm worried I'll be missing out on the latest adorable picture my so-called friends have re-posted.

Captain Neon: Episode 7 and Outtakes

Yes, it's been a while, almost nine months in fact, but I've been busy, well, generally busy, a bit distracted at times, but I've done it now, the seventh episode of Captain Neon is complete and I'm happy with it and have a renewed sense of energy to urge me to hurry up and finish the next episode... though it's probably one of the most ambitious and technically complex ones so far, ah well...

You can watch Episode 7 below:



Additionally, in order to apologise for the delay, I've uploaded some outtakes to the Captain Neon facebook page, I'll be adding more things to it between episodes, so please head on over and give it a like!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Captain-Neon/185373288165187

The Dumbest Concept In Dating

Firstly, I joined a dating website, out of boredom at work I registered for a free account, curious to see what type of person haunts the halls of online dating malarkey. I figured, if I'm looking at this website then someone with a similar outlook to me might be looking at it too.

Furthermore, I've never quite understood the whole tawdry reputation afforded to any organised means of meeting other people. Because, of course, the whole process of getting drunk, going to a bar and pulling one of an assortment of, say, 50 strangers, is far more noble and romantic, just like how Shakespeare wrote it.

But this leads me neatly onto my key point, which is to do with the dumbest concept in the dating world, and that is: the 'spark'.

This 'spark' is bothering me at the moment because I went on a date last night, it was somewhat hastily arranged, we'd exchanged messages online, we didn't seem to offend one another, besides it's always best to meet up and banter in person to really understand if you get along. So, we did that, after a bit of a wait in the cold she arrived, we walked to a bar, we had a drink, we had a chat.

Like many first dates (arranged by friends or online) it was a collection of awkward moments, chatty epochs, brief summaries of complex aspects of your life, efforts to advertise your own personally preferred qualities and mask the less reputable ones, it was, by my reckoning, an ok first date. Nothing special, but it was pleasant.

However, I sent a message to her the following day suggesting a possible event for a second date, and in return received a message that said thus:

"Thanks Owain. It was really nice to meet you too. I like your job and your brilliant free tickets and plus ones. :) I'm afraid though that I didn't feel the spark between us last night, and I hope that's ok..."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm Captain Charming and no woman can resist my advances, I know I'm a socially awkward, waffling, rambly fool with a slightly wayward and confused sense of humour, but I'm sure I have some good qualities too... I mean, people have said nice things about me, some of them even let me kiss them and hold their hand for a few months. I, of course, get that maybe she just used the catch all concept of 'sparks' as an excuse for some other reasoning as to why she might not want to meet me again, but, what would that be? Am I a deeply repellent individual? Surely, regardless of whether 'sparks' was the exact concept what she is, in some way or another, referring to must broadly be described as 'chemistry', and, as far as I can fathom, 'chemistry' and 'sparks' are very close relatives, it's about that initial catalyst that would suggest two people get along.

Yes, I admit, maybe we didn't get along, but I don't think I'd be blinkered enough to not notice, I felt foolishly optimistic on my way home from the date, I didn't think it had been a roaring success but that's because it was a first date, they're awkward and strange for the most part. It's two people finding their way around one another, trying to figure each other out, maybe you won't hit it out of the park on that first date, but unless you utterly despise one another should you discount a second date because there weren't any 'sparks'? Is life really too short to not give someone a second chance?

Maybe you've felt the 'spark', I've certainly felt the 'spark' in the past, but for the most part, as best I can remember, when I felt that first 'spark' I was drunk. Besides it's probably bad form to arrive to a first date already pissed. Though maybe that is the solution? Arrange a date, both get absolutely rat arsed beforehand, then you meet in some bar somewhere, it's closer to how it's 'supposed' to happen then.

I'm not saying this girl was definitely, undoubtedly going to be the love of my life (that's another blog topic right there) but I think there was enough between to us to at the very least warrant a second date, in fact, I think all arranged dates should come with an in-built second date, the first date, if anything, is the prologue and the second date is actually Chapter One. You've got the ground rules and geography and family history established, then it's time to really get into the meat and potatoes of it and see if you have that 'spark'.

A date is different to meeting someone by chance, this is something that I don't quite think people understand, and I also think it's where this bizarre grotty image of 'dating sites' comes from. For the most part, for some insane reason, in much the same way as millions of people think an invisible bearded man built the Earth in a Gregorian calendar week, people seem to view love as something that happens by magic, by chance and will bind two people together in a fairytale fantasy, well, that's all bullshit to be honest, and this isn't some mean, jaded cynical side, I genuinely think I'm a pretty romantically minded optimistic fool (though I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriends will say otherwise), and though I've been in love I've never thought "there's only one for me", because I've been in love more than once and in different ways. You don't discredit an ex you said you loved because you're not together anymore, or you love somebody new, that's not how it works, though opinions can change over time those moments when you were in 'love' were, whether you now regret it or not, moments when you were in 'love' and perspective won't change that. I don't think because my parents are now divorced and in new relationships that they wish they'd never met, and not just because of the lovely children they had as a result of 'love' and 'fate' and all that nonsense.

Anyway, I'm veering off topic, and would gladly blather on trying to disect every aspect of people's perceptions of romance, love, happiness, sadness and the like for pages and pages, but I don't think now is the time or the place.

In summary, people have a warped perspective of what meeting someone and 'falling' for them is supposed to be like, the world is changing, it is more intricately connected than ever before and the opportunities to meet a diverse range of people are more accessible than they have ever been, why not take advantage of this if you are in a position to meet new people. I did not join a dating website to 'meet the love of my life', I joined it to 'meet new people', which, I hasten to add, is something I also manage to do in my non-internet based life. Maybe other people don't see things that way with the dating world, which is naive on their part, additionally I find anyone who starts making specific demands in the 'What I'm looking for...' section to be awfully suspect, but, well, waffling again...

Maybe this is why people don't want a second date, they don't think I'll ever shut up!


My good friend, the esteemed Ellen Waddell, has written a response to this piece, you can read it here: CLICKY