I had to end a relationship recently. I'm not very good at the whole dumping process because I always worry that the person is going to take it so personally, and it's never because that person is without merit, and it's never because the feelings I felt previously no longer really apply. I will still feel that that person is as smart, funny, interesting and attractive as I felt they were when we first met, but, for whatever reason a relationship wasn't working for me.
One of my friends recently had a relationship end as well, he was on the receiving end of the dumpage, and his current state of mind seems very similar to how I felt when a long term relationship came to a slow, trundling, painful end in 2007. Except in that instance, I was the one responsible for the end of things.
I've been wondering, since having to do the dumping, about the perceptions of the act, and whether it's worse to be the dumper or the dumpee. It does all depend on how you feel about the person, but I'm savvy enough to generally date people that I care about and so having to end a relationship with them isn't exactly my idea of fun.
For me, it's a rather awkward, difficult and painful process and I feel a lot of remorse and guilt about it afterwards. I almost feel like I shouldn't dump someone who still feels that the relationship is working, that I should plough on and try and make it work, but, what if it never works? Maybe they'll be happy, but how much time should I put into trying to fix things especially if the 'things' are a general feeling of it not being quite right?
Are there concrete and valid reasons to ever dump someone? Y'know, beyond; "You slept with my mum at my birthday party." or "You used my pet hamster as a football." Do you really need a concrete reason to end a relationship? I guess that depends on how long the relationship has gone on for, but, regardless, it's not going to feel like much of a reason to the dumpee.
I've been dumped a fair few times, the first one that sticks out in my memory was a girl who was a few years older than me, I had recently finished my A-Levels and she had recently finished University. One day she came round and ended things, I asked for a reason, she said "Gut instinct." Fair enough.
A week or two went by and we got back together, but, it didn't last much longer and this time I was the one ending things. When she asked for a reason I tried my best to explain myself and all the things I felt (which, unfortunately for the sake of this article, I've forgotten), but she told me my reasons were rubbish.
But, rubbish reasons or not, you can't force a relationship to continue.
More recently I found out that a girlfriend wanted to end things with me when she sent me a text intended for someone else by accident. Karmically this felt justified, because I had done a similar thing in the past. I was just a bit miffed to find out that they had felt unhappy in the relationship for 'a couple of months'. How long are you supposed to trudge along hoping something is going to miraculously improve? A sense of malaise will only autonomously produce more malaise.
I accepted that there was nothing that could be done, and that if that's how they felt, and had felt for a while, it probably wasn't worth the effort to try and repair the relationship. It would have been like putting a sticking plaster over a gaping axe wound, maybe, for a little while things would have been ok, but pretty soon your guts would fall out... metaphorically.
Selfishly, with some break-ups, I have worried about how I am being portrayed by the dumpee to their friends and acquaintances, sometimes these are people I have known as well, irrespective of the relationship. Knowing the 'full facts' I can't help but feel pangs of annoyance that they might be skewed in order to cast my ex in a better light, that she might have the opportunity to distort the story to only reflect her side of things and those she tells, being naturally supportive, will agree that I am a massive douchebag. Which is true, but still...
Obviously, this is fair, when a relationship ends you want your friends to be on your side regardless of whether you were the dumper or the dumpee. Though it is interesting to find out, after you break up with someone, how your friends have actually felt about you and your ex all along. I've had it revealed to me in the past that people haven't really liked some of my exes. I've also been told that some of my girlfriend's parents didn't like me and I'm sure plenty of friends of girlfriends haven't liked me either.
But, really, regardless of what others think, a relationship is about that connection between two people and to a large extent it shouldn't matter what others think about a couple unless it's something along the lines of: "I think I saw your girlfriend on Crimewatch yesterday."
"It's not you, it's me."
So, when someone wants to end a relationship of course you're going to take it very personally, because it's not about outside forces, it's about your opinion of one person. However, sometimes you realise you just don't want to be in a relationship with someone, it's a cliche to say 'We can still be friends!' but it's something I genuinely mean (and if I don't mean it, I won't say it), and in a few instances people I began seeing in one way I am now good friends with. So yeah, in your face When Harry Met Sally.
Of course, it's easier to be friends if the feelings behind the break-up are quite mutual, or, if the relationship was in the very, very early stages, y'know, where you're just dipping your toe in the water to see if it's hot or cold... that's not a euphemism for anything kinky.
For me, it's quite to difficult to know if I'm just being impetuous and fickle, or if I'm struggling to really get over things from the past. In talking to my recently dumped friend I don't think I've been particularly encouraging in my post-break-up advice, especially as I feel he's in a similar state of mind as I was when a relationship ended a while ago, and it took me a very long time to get to a point where I felt like I was moving on, and, to be honest, it's something I don't think I'll ever get over completely, and that's not a slight on anyone else I may meet after that, and it's not a bar that people have to meet or vault over, but, it's a feeling in the past, you can't erase your past and there's no reason why you should, as long as it isn't crippling you in your present.
I think that's something that people forget and fret over, they worry how they might compare to someone else, or they worry about what the person they are with might think about them, and other such neuroses, but, you have to try and leave those worries behind and enjoy the moment as much as you can.
Yet when someone breaks up with you all those worries come back up to the surface, and you analyse yourself, you think about all the things you must have done wrong, but, for the most part, you probably didn't do anything wrong.
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